I wish I knew the formula and could just give it to you on a piece of paper. I wish there was a golden rule for how to do this. But there is no formula nor golden rule nor anything when it comes to making someone else happy. There’s just you.
While I don’t have a ‘formula magica’ I do know that I will never be happy sharing my life with an unhappy and depressed partner. Not until my partner is happy will I feel that the relationship is working and feel happy in it. So naturally it works the opposite way as well. It is pure logic.
Let’s start from the beginning.
In almost all relationships we can see friction, agreed? And that might be an understatement. In all longer love-based relationships there are sooner or later times when you are not feeling the love the same way as you used to do in the beginning. It’s not something new, most of us have gone through that process in one way or the other. Maybe multiple times. Maintaing a relationship in itself means that you often need to find solutions to things that divide you, and strengthen things that bind you together. Depending on how you choose to interpret this process you might be looking at problems or solutions. But however you choose to see it, it is safe to say that a healthy relationship is not easy to maintain. It is not supposed to be easy either.
Naturally a lot of partners are looking for ways to improve their relationships when things are not going well. Maybe things are not same as they where in the beginning. Maybe they have started to have a lot of discussions and fights about silly things. Whatever it is they try to analyze what is going wrong and the reasons for the discussions and moments of incomprehension. Because of the way the human mind is set up we have a tendency to look for things that our partners do wrong, and we assign those things as reasons for the failing relationship. And we think that by telling our partner what he or she does wrong and by correcting that, the problems will disappear and the love will start to flow again. But we could not be more wrong. The reason for a failing relationship is not in your partner. For you, it is always in YOU.
It is YOU who have the power to either save or end your relationship. Nobody else. If you choose to try to save it you must understand that the solution is to change yourself so that the relationship works. If you are not prepared to change yourself you might be better off not wasting your time on it anymore.
I know this concept can be hard to grasp at first. But let me put it this way. The only way you can make sure that the people that surround you are happy and feel good is to make sure that you yourself are happy and feel good. It doesn’t work telling others over and over what they do wrong. Because when you look for problems and assign reasons for failure to your partner it is instead you who define and create the problems. It doesn’t matter if it is “true” or not. It doesn’t matter if you are right in what you are saying. Saying it does no good. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t solve the problem. Your partner will not change because you told him or her what is wrong with them. It just doesn’t work that way.
Off course communication is the key to a healthy relationship. But thats communication, not complaining. Complaining is not communicating, it’s a desease. And very contagious, so you better not start complaining or you might never be able to stop.
So if you are in one of those situations, stop analyzing your partner. And now… look at yourself! You have to make sure that YOU are a rock, that YOU are a stable point and a confident oasis of peace and happiness. You have to make sure that YOU do the right things and act the way YOU ask your partner to do, no matter what he or she does.
You have to lead with good example, stop complaining, and start to work hard on making yourself happy with sound healthy things that are positive for you, and your partner. You have to introduce the word happy to the vocabulary of yourself and your loved ones. Maybe you have to start running in the mornings. Maybe you have to start doing meditation or bungy jumping, or read a book about relationships and love. Whatever it is, it is you who needs to do it. It is you who need to make a change in yourself so that you are happier. Once you are happy and calm your partner will be too. And so will everybody else around you.
And if you are not in a good relationship when you are happy. If your partner doesn’t like you when you are a happy confident person, it might be time to seriously revaluate the relationship. Do you really want to waste your time on someone that doesn’t appreciate you when you are happy? Don’t be fooled by partners playing victims when you are happy trying to pull you down. They feed from your misery and suffer from your success. They will never be happy with you.
If they are not happy when you are happy then when will they be? When you are sad? No bro/sis… Let go! Move on!
…
You might say ok but how the hell am I going to be acting happy when I have bills to pay and just had a big fight with my partner and lost the wallet or whatever… I will tell you how. You just decide. Decide to be happy, act happy and you will be happy. Your attitude will change everything. Start smiling!
Start every day with saying “You know what, today will be a good day! Today I will make this day a good day! Today I will be a magnet of positive thinking! Today I will make the changes I have to make in myself to save my relationship”. Just put that in your mind. And from there you will see how instead of you being seized by the day, you seize the day. All the talk about Carpe Diem and people still don’t understand that it means that YOU have to decide what kind of day you are going to have. That is how you seize the day by the balls and force it to give you the happiness you are worth. By deciding to be happy!
Wouldn’t you love to see your loved ones happy? So do they! So the way to make your partners and loved ones happy is for you to make yourself happy!